Rhoades to Fitness
It's YOU vs. YOU

Lies I Used to tell Myself

I was asked today what my goals are. Since we were talking about me going to train later, I think she meant in the gym, but when I think about my goals, whether in the gym or in other areas of my life, they all intertwine. 

If I think of my goals in the gym, the first thing that comes to mind NOW is strength. For the longest time, that wasn’t always the case. Though strength has always been important to me, the body I saw when I looked in the mirror came before any other physical goal. My biggest focus was, “do what you have to, to get the body you want.” I’ll be honest and admit that it was an idol in my life. It started when I was 15. My softball coach told me I’d be a better player if I lost weight and was quicker on the field. Okay, softball was another idol of mine at the time and I wanted to be the best. Not just MY best but THE best. Not knowing anything about nutrition, I stopped eating, except for one meal a day after school. It was subway, everyday, for over a year. That’s right, I came up with the subway diet before Jared, and that’s truth. 😉 After school, I’d also spend an hour on the treadmill, along with a little bit of weight training. Did it work? Yes. I lost 50 lbs in less than a year. Did softball improve? Not really. My batting and fielding average stayed consistent for 4 years, whether I was 215lbs or 160. Did I gain more friends when I lost that weight? Nope. Same amazing ones all through high school. In fact, here’s a side story…they were so amazing that they asked one of my teachers to have an intervention with me because they all thought I was anorexic. Of course I denied it, because in my eyes I ate. I consumed an entire 1000 calories a day, give or a take a few. Knowing what I know now, that’s considered under eating. Especially for a girl of my height and build. Back to the main story…Did I become more popular? Nope. The only thing that changed from 215 to 160 was the way I viewed myself. I was more confident, and though still bigger, I was closer to the size of my friends. My only problem was, when I started eating normal again, the weight came back. Normal didn’t mean binge eating, it meant eating maybe 2500 calories a day. So, I’d drop my calories below 1200 again, lose the weight, eat again and gain the weight. Every time, when that weight came back, I no longer saw pretty. I saw fat, I saw weak because I didn’t keep it off, and I was disappointed in myself. I’m now almost 31, which means for over half my life I’ve been inflicting self abuse, both mentally and physically. I was telling myself lies everyday about the person I am. I was non-purposely starving myself, and pushing my limits so far in the gym that it took a toll on my physical health. But this is what I thought I had to do, to be just as beautiful as my friends. It wasn’t until 2 years ago I found out I have a lot endocrine issues that are hindering me from staying at my eyes idea of beautiful for myself. That’s when my goals started to change. My first goal was to stop the self abuse. I needed to start looking at myself, like I look at others and how God looks at me. I don’t look at my friends and focus on what they need to change. All I see is beauty. They are all different shapes, with different eye, hair and skin color. Different personalities and interests. There isn’t one type of beautiful. For me to even see their flaws I’d really have to sit back and think really hard. Of course, I’m not gonna do that because I don’t want to see them as any other way than I see them now, which is perfect. So just like I look at them, I needed to start looking at myself for the beauty and not the flaws. My main goal for women is for them to see in themselves what others see in them. It’s been a slow and very hard process for me the past 2 years. Do I hope to drop a few sizes one day? OH YEAH!!!!! As long as I can do it in a healthy manner. In the mean time, I just want to enjoy the gym with my best friends, keep beating my personal lifting records, gain good muscle, feel strong and accept my body in all it’s forms. This might be my best for a while and I can’t let that steal my joy or change who I really am. Those thoughts come from a dark place. They weren’t put there by God, friends, or family. They were put there in hopes that I would hide from the world, that I stop helping women achieve their goals and stop helping them see their own beauty. That’s the devils way of keeping us from doing God’s will of getting out there and spreading His love and joy to others. He’s smart, but God’s smarter and HE has opened my eyes to see things differently. He’s awesome like that, and my new goals, I believe were designed by Him. 
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