Rhoades to Fitness
It's YOU vs. YOU


I’ve been struggling with fear this past week. I don’t like it. It makes me feel weak in my faith and frankly, it’s a pure joy-suck. I wasn’t able to attend small group last Monday, so my friends randomly drew a “spiritual experiment card” for me in my absence. Before I share the verse, let me share a little something about myself. At night when I sleep, I dream. Most would call these dreams nightmares. It’s been so long since I’ve had what we call a “sweet dream” that I can’t even remember my last one or if I’ve ever had one. Every night I dream and every night I either wake up scared, disturbed, confused or just sayin’ “what the crap?” I dream about snakes a lot. I HATE snakes. In fact, they are probably my absolute worst fear on this earth. They are quiet, they creep up on you and in my eyes that is evil! Ew, seriously the thought makes my skin crawl. I’ve looked up meanings before and I roll my eyes. Well, I have my own meaning. Plain and simple, It just symbolizes fear in my life. Fear is a sin. Sin is quiet and it creeps up on you. Where have I heard that before? 😉 I went to bed the other night and found myself scared to go to sleep because I was afraid of what I would see. After a few hours passed I got so mad at myself. Why was I allowing something that really can’t hurt me, control me? So what if I fall asleep and dream of snakes, or anything scary or disturbing. I’m still gonna wake up unharmed, because nothing in my dream can actually hurt me. That’s the speech I gave myself before I finally rested. My roommate can vouch for me that I shared my last snake dream and fear of having them with her a few days before small group. So, here is the verse that was drawn for me, and everyone’s was different…Luke 10:19 “Look, I have given you the authority to trample on snakes and scorpions, and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you!” Whoa! Is that a coincidence or what? I pick what, what being God. I know my big fear at this moment in my life and I want to conquer over it. I don’t want it to control me. I want to punch it in the face, and when it falls down I want to attack it and never stop attacking (those are words of advice my daddy gave me if any man ever tried to harm me. And also the advice the self-defense coach gives J-Lo in the movie “Enough”. Daddy swears they stole it from him. I love that movie and I love my daddy :)) Sometimes I allow the fear of my future to control me. I don’t know how many times in the last few years I said the words “I crave stability.” I almost had it at the beginning of this year. It was right at my fingertips. I could almost touch it, but I let it go for a greater purpose. This week as I had a few financial set backs and worry crept into my head I thought about what I gave up. I caught myself for the first time, wondering if I made the wrong decision. I had a good weekend with a great friend, some deep conversation, more friends, big hugs, a long quiet drive home, just me and God. Any music in my car came from words of worship from my mouth. I needed to hear Him and I wanted peace. I praised Him for all my blessings and for favoring me, I lifted up prayers for others, and told God I wasn’t satisfied with the love I give and my heart, and That I still want it to be more like His.  When I got home, I got on email and facebook to send a few messages to people that blessed me this weekend. While doing so, I ran across a message that in all honesty I shouldn’t have found because I don’t talk to this person anymore, but these are the words that I sent to them almost exactly a year ago…

The reason I’m so blessed with love is bc of Him (God). I really do feel like NKY is where I need to be. I look at people that God has put in my life and how He works through me there and not as much in Paducah and I think, why would He want me here when he uses me so much more up there? Life isn’t about stability, it’s about loving people and living for God. Nothing is stable BUT God. I have lost it all (job/financial stability) once before. Maybe thats what scares me, but I look at the other blessings that came from that loss and its amazeballs. I have to give God the chance to bless me and show his faithfulness as a Father. As i have to show Him i have faith that He will provide. It’s more than a job. It’s a mission. That’s what my work has always been and what I want it to continue to be.
Again…whoa! That’s exactly what I needed to read. I say all the time, “I want to be the Proverbs 31 woman.” One of my favorite verses in that chapter is Proverbs 31:25 “Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.” At times I can be really good at that, and at other times I fall short. If “she” is who I want to be than I have to constantly remember my own words. I have to have faith that God will always provide. In one week it will be 31 years that He has provided and never once let me down. Maybe year 31 will be the year I become “her”, that amazing woman that set the standards so high, that even on my tip toes I still can’t touch “her”. Maybe this won’t be the year, but I plan on being another inch closer. After the verse on my “experiment card” it reads, Write down an actionable way you’ll turn toward God this week. I didn’t write it down because I had no idea what I needed to do. But what I found is, I needed to drive in silence, talk and listen to His whispers. If we take the time to listen, He will answer. Truth.

One Response to “FEAR. aka…JOY-SUCK”

  1. Goosebumps! Love this. How awesome is God to give you his inspired word and your own. You are she, her, that is you if you walk in who God says you are and not how you see yourself in seasons. love you

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